Lord, here I am -- at your feet
Needy. Wanting. Weak.

Lord, here I am
Hear my cry
Look down on my flight from way up high

You say You are near
Turn to me your attentive ear

Take me. Mold me. Make me.
A pleasing aroma

With you I'm always home
The place from whence my help does come

Mold me. Make me. 
A pleasing aroma

Raw Honesty in Poetry

Today I'm purging and packing (again?!?) before we leave the country August 11th.  I came across a poem I wrote on one of my prayer journals.  This poem was written over time (from 2009 to present) and growth, maturity and perspective.  It is about learning to walk into the water of trusting God while experiencing the brokenness, lack of trust and pain that remains even when trusting the Lord.  I'm typing it here to keep it for future reflection...

DEEP

Deep is the sea

Dip a toe in

Be enticed, free

The foot, the ankle

Deeper still

Begin to fall, shackle

Be enticed, loses its thrill

Deep is the sea

Emotions, Hormones, Unknown

Swirl with sadness, loss

Grasping faith, believing more

Since when has life been such a chore?

Always is the answer

Life is just this

Faith, Believing, Grasping for More

Yes life will always be a chore

Words fill the page; the mind

Answers come from behind

None easy; most blind

Only He is kind

Cry out does the spirit

A roar in my chest

Deeper, dig deeper yet

Align human flesh

Surrender the mess

He who made the days

Restore me today, tomorrow, always

Righteous Servant

I've taken on this habit of studying a Name of God after I'm finished with my normal bible study time.  You see, it dawned on me like any relationship we must continue to know each other, dig deeper and really find out what makes a person tick. It's the same with God.  He has tons of names, tons of attributes and although I consider myself versed in scripture I have realized through studying His names that I need to know more about who my God is -- there will always be more to know.

Today I studied about Jesus being the "Righteous Servant".  This is best highlighted in Isaiah 53:11....but read the whole chapter it paints the picture well.  Righteous Servant is described as -- pouring out his life to death, crushed, suffering, given a grave with the wicked, cut off, oppressed, afflicted.  The list goes on and on.  Sounds fun right?  Nope.  But in verse 11 it says, "After he has suffered he will see the light of life and be satisfied." AWESOME!  I want to see the light of life and be satisfied.  Lord, let it be.  

So today, as I walk through a crazy day of many things to do and many things out of my control I pray the Lord will strongly impress upon my heart that I too am to be a righteous servant.  I'm righteous because of Jesus' work on the cross and a servant because I'm called to become more and more like Him every day as the power of the Holy Spirit does His work in me.  Not by my might, but by His Spirit.  That's what I'm talking about!  Let it be Lord.  Let it be.

Unity--Joined As A Whole

This Friday I leave for Ecuador and continue to build relationships with Nationals, Foreigners and Indigenous -- all with a the unified desire to bring a transformational gospel into the depths of the Amazon jungle.  Wait -- this is my life?!  Yup.  God's crazy.

On Saturday I will speak with a group of women in Ecuador.  Some foreign and nationals but most indigenous Christian women. As I've planned and processed my mind can't stick to the idea and in the past weeks of preparation the meditation of my heart has been that God's hovering over me; inspiring my words by the power of the Holy Spirit.  I can trust him.  I know this.  Lord, do a work in me.  Oh Lord, do a work though me.

I've been thinking a lot about the command to be unified in Christ; one body.  (Ephesians 4)  Unity isn't a contestable concept.  Most Christians will say, "Of course we need unity in the body." But how often do we see it played out?  This made me think -- exactly how contrary is the concept of unity in our culture?

Last night I was watching a travel and food show (love those!) and a South African man was quoted saying, "Sometimes one must fill the mouth to open the ears."  I paused the show and chewed on that quote.  This man was using food -- food from all different cultures fused together to create common ground, resolve conflict and bring together a torn apart country.  "Sometimes one must fill the mouth to open the ears."  This seems natural to me.  I love this concept all born out of this man's passion for food and unity in his country.  So basic but so profound.

This morning as I spend time listening to the Lord I've sensed him saying that unity isn't a meeting or a discipline chosen but an outpouring of the heart.  If I'm honest, my apprehension is that in South America, despite my desire to love and serve as Jesus led, I'll muff it up and get all Western minded; plan and project oriented; not about relationship.

Lord Jesus, Father God, Holy Spirit, search my heart and know me.  Test me and know my anxious thoughts. (Psalm 139:23)  Help me to operate from my passion for you and desire for unity within our family of believers.  Amen.

Love Is Not Irritable?!?!

Love is not irritable?!?  I'm irritated I didn't know that!! During my time of repentance this morning I was drawn to read about what God says love is/does.  I knew that reading this verse would convict me of the areas in which I am not walking in love - therefore needing to confess to the Mighty Forgiver.  Good times, right?  Holiness is my desire. Intimacy with Him.  Confessing my need for him and deeper awareness of my need for Him brings that intimacy and dependency.  This is the desire of my heart and His too!

Anyways, I read the classic love chapter, I Corinthians 13.  Something hit me -- in the ESV it clearly states, "Love is not irritable." (I Corinthians 13:5)  Oysh.  Irritable!?!  My sheets turn crooked on my bed in the middle of the night and I'm irritable!  Oh Lord help me.  So, I confessed my irritability and asked the Holy Spirit to convict me of my irritable moments and empower me to respond to His helping hand to say "no" to irritability and embrace true love.  "Love that bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." (I Corinthians 13:7)  He can.  I can't.  In Him, through Him, surrendered to Him I can walk in daily obedience; because of His great love for me.

Truth rocks.  Love Him!!

Lifter of My Head

The journey towards missions is no joke.  It's a journey of big joys and big challenges.  Meditation upon his character and promises has become a discipline.  This is a sweet (and sometimes grueling) growth time and a time of knowing my Savior more each day.  It's like marriage - year after year the relationship deepens based on shared experiences and new understanding of what makes your spouse your spouse.  My most sweet and cherished relationship is with my God, my friend, my Savior and Helper.

Today as I spent time with Him I was drawn to study the characteristics of God that are Light, Hope, Lifter of My Head etc.  As I studied I realized how hungry I was to be reminded of these characteristics.  My Helper gently lead me into study the things that my soul needed to remember, to chew on throughout my day.  Don't you love Him?!? I do.

This morning I prayed this verse over myself, Chris and my girls.  When praying I was drawn to tears as I grew aware of my soul's cry for this to be true for us and applied into our daily practice.

Psalm 3:2-4 - Many are saying of my soul, there is no salvation for him in God.  But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory and the lifter of my head.  I cried aloud to the Lord, and he answered me from his holy hill.

I also soaked up these awesome truths - 

He is All Powerful, Light - Amos 5:8 (He turns darkness to morning!)

He is my shield, the lifter of my head - Psalm 3:2-4 (He is my shield, my glory, the lifter of my head!)

He is my Mighty Rescuer - Psalm 107: 14-16 (He bursts our bondage, Cuts through strong bars!)

Thank you Almighty God for encouraging my heart; leading me even as I sit with you to chat.  You are worthy, able and enough.  Selah.

Ocean

While I was sitting on the sand gazing out to the ocean reaching far beyond I was struck with a familiar thought that the ocean awakens a sense of awe in me. Each time I am by the ocean I catch myself entranced with thoughts of what is possible and what is not; what I dream of and what I don't; what could have been and what wasn't. This last time at the ocean the same thoughts came in on me like the tide of the ocean; more depth of thought with each wave. But something was different this time. I was staring off into the vast expanse while holding Reese in my lap. For a moment I lost the depth of my thought; I lost the rhythm of my daydream but not soon after I was pulled into thoughts of gratitude, freedom, hope, dreams, and the like.

Now to some readers the previous paragraph may seem out there but for me it is greatly reassuring. Honestly, I struggle with being myself (having those moments as listed above) while juggling that which is motherhood. When I lost my normal "ocean thoughts" that day at the beach, I had a moment of fear and sadness. I began to contemplate that this was yet another area of my life shaken by motherhood. But once I eased into acceptance of the experience possibly being different, even forever different, I was able to retain the joy of a good ocean daydream but with a partner to enjoy God's gift of the ocean with, a daughter to teach through example and to be forever grateful for no matter how much sacrifice comes with motherhood.

Deep

Deep is the sea
Dip a toe in
Be enticed, free
The foot, the ankle

Deeper still
Begin to fall, shackle
Be enticed, loses its thrill
Deep is the sea

Sustain Me.

We have been traveling to the Springs every Sunday for 12 weeks to attend a missions course call Perspectives in Missions. It's been great; great lectures, great kids program, great snacks, great time with husband but mostly great being able to worship God 2 times on Sunday! I so love worship. I cry when I sing praise to Him because I am so excited to be in heaven and have the freedom/time to praise Him with song whenever I want. How sweet will that be?!

Anyway, I got off track... Today I am struggling with being tired of being strapped financially. God has provided in amazing ways over the last several years. I am thankful. Sometimes though, I just don't want to have to check the bank balance to see if I can buy yogurt. This day -to-day living is exhausting!

Today I have been laying my burden at his feet. Each time I feel stressed or discouraged I choose to praise Him for what He has done and what He will do. He is faithful.

Matthew 4:4 - "Jesus answered, 'It is written: Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God."

Today I chose to cling to what He says about my circumstance. My Father knows what I need.

Withdrawal.

Sitting, at my desk I ponder why it is so hard for me to take care of myself. My heart longs to break out of the pattern of care for Chris, care for kids, care for family and whatever is left Tina gets. I struggle because putting others first is Christ-like. I want to be like Christ. However, I know that He took time away in silence for prayer, meditation and silence. That is so hard for me. I make progress in the area and then I fall back into the same dang pattern. It's frustrating.

So, contrary to what I want/need to do right now. I will leave this house in its messy state and get on my knees before Him; pray for wisdom and transformation of my ugly pattern. My prayer is that He will build my faith by continuing His work in me and the gradual transformation will be apparent to me and others. This way, we can catch a glimpse of who He is and how, through Him, we can become more like Him. I need that hope right now.

Recipe for Wellness

I have been feasting on wellness remedies!!!! Here's my recipe for wellness. Results to be determined.

Ingredients -
Oil of Oregano
Emergen-C
Zinc
Cold Eaz Hot Tea
Umcka Cold Care
ETC!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Three cheers for health and wellness. Oy.

Recipe of the Day

On a cold, cloudy day hearty food always seems to hit the spot. Today we sat around the table as a family and had Sunday dinner. Each of us took turns telling silly stories, choosing our favorite things about our house and making lists of the things for which we are most thankful. What fun.

Recipe of the Day - Boiled Dinner

Description - My grandma made boiled dinner for my mom, my mom for me and now I make it for my kids. Boiled Dinner is a great low-budget meal with very little prep and clean-up!

Ingredients -
Kielbasa Sausage (my mom made beef kielbasa, I make turkey kielbasa)
Carrots (1 large carrot per person, peeled and cut into 3 inch sections)
Potatoes (my mom used russet, I use whatever I have on hand; cut into quarters)
Cabbage (peel off 1st layer of cabbage and cut cabbage into 6 wedges)
Water

Directions -
Place cut potatoes and carrots in the bottom of a large stock pot and cover with cold water. (Be sure to just cover the veggies or your cabbage will get too soggy.) Place cabbage wedges so they rest just on top of the carrots and potatoes. Place sausage so it rests just on top of the cabbage and does not touch the water. Put a lid on the pot and bring water to a boil and lower temperature to a medium heat. Allow pot to cook with lid on until potatoes are fork tender and cabbage is steamed to your liking.

To serve - Cover with butter, salt and pepper or use an ungodly amount of ketchup like my husband! My kids enjoy eating the potatoes, carrots and sausage diced and poking it with a toothpick for fun eats. To each his own. Enjoy!

The Relationship Principles of Jesus, Holladay

"To love God with all your mind, you must put God's words into your mind. If your mind is filled with only your thoughts or the thoughts imposed on you by others, of course you'll be frustrated when trying to have worshipful thoughts. Left to itself, your mind will drift toward anxious or selfish thoughts. The truth of God's Word has the power to change the channel of your thinking."

Phil 4:8
Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think on such things."

Recipe of the Day

Store bought Rotisserie Chicken has become a go-to food in our house. On nights that I cant bring myself to stand in the kitchen I will run to the store and get an MSG-free chicken. We usually eat the 1st half of the chicken with a veggie side and starch of some sort. The 2nd half is usually turned into Chicken Quesadillas; Chicken Noodle Soup; Chicken, Granny Smith Apple, Cheddar Cheese Grilled Paninis and the like.

Once we have scraped the meat off the bone I put the chicken carcass in a large bag (usually recycled bread bags) and freeze it to make chicken stock. When I have a couple chicken carcasses and have gathered enough of my mirepoix discards (leftover celery, carrot and onion pieces from salads or other cooking) in a large plastic bag in the freezer, I will start my day by making chicken stock. The fragrance fills our house and calms my spirit.

Recipe - Home Made Chicken Stock

Ingredients -
2-3 Chicken Carcasses
Bunch of leftover celery pieces (leaves, tips and ends)
Bunch of leftover carrot pieces (root, skins and other pieces)
Bunch of leftover onion (root, skins - add nice color to the stock)
1-2 cloves garlic (smashed slightly)
Bunch of herbs (whatever you have leftover in the refrigerator; sage and rosemary are nice)
1 bay leaf
Salt and pepper to taste.

Place all ingredients in a large stock pot and cover with cold water. (Warm water will make your stock murky.) Cover pot with heavy lid and heat on medium-high heat. Once water is at slow boil, reduce heat to medium-low and simmer as long as desired. (I usually simmer it all day and allow it to cool in the refrigerator over night before straining.) When cooled, strain stock and freeze in containers for up to 6 months. Enjoy!

Should your butt hang over like a shelf when you sit in your computer chair? I think not. Tae Bo here I come again. God have mercy.

Book Review - The Penny Pinchers Club

As I wandered through the library looking for anything that caught my eye I came upon a Sarah Strohmeyer book titled, "The Penny Pinchers Club". I often joke about my addiction to the self-help genre and am always looking for a book to carry my imagination to another place now and then. So, having nothing "fiction" on my bed stand (except Tolstoy but we all know that doesn't count as real fiction!) I decided to check out the book.

"TPPC" was entertaining and an easy read while playing to my current obsession with freegan living. The main character is struggling to save money and resorts to penny pinching as her means to accomplish said goal. Dumpster diving only makes the story more interesting.

Ground breaking fiction? No. Enjoyable? Yes.

Tuesday

Woke up. No coffee. Walked viewing God's amazing creation. Cried tears of intimacy as I spoke to Him about my struggles. Stepped in dog poop. Was met by Animal Control at our house after Solomon escaped. Dog got hit on the nose by a very authoritative officer for bad behavior. Humiliated. Willy Wonka found lurking behind my A.V. rack. Costco lady told me I was a liar. Befuddled by my nudist children. It's only 2pm.

Garden Fresh Marinara Sauce

My garden EXPLODED with tomatoes and I have been working frantically to cook up the tomatoes before they shrivel, mold or just lose their appeal. Currently, I am working to freeze enough marinara to carry us over until spring. Here is my recipe.

Recipe: Garden Fresh Marinara -
Makes 2 pints w/ leftover

Ingredients:
1 large yellow onion, rough chop
3 garlic cloves, smashed and whole
4 large carrots, rough chop
10 large tomatoes or combination of smaller tomatoes
Salt, pepper, basil, rosemary and/or Italian seasoning
1/4 cup red wine or 2-3 tablespoons of beef broth (for richness)
1 Small Can Tomato Paste
Olive Oil - 2-3 Tablespoons

Heat olive oil in large sauce pan at medium heat. Add onions, garlic and carrots and saute until onions are translucent and garlic and carrots have softened. Add chopped tomatoes and spices (to taste - I like a large bunch of fresh basil and rosemary (roughly chopped) with a sprinkling of Italian seasoning, salt and pepper. Simmer on medium-low heat with lid off until tomatoes have broken down. Add red wine and tomato paste. Simmer a bit longer (or all day if you like...) Puree mixture in blender or with immersion blender until desired texture. Allow to cool and store in refrigerator for 3 days or freeze in containers (with 1 inch at top for expansion) for up to 4 months.
Enjoy!

Recipe for Sanity

This weekend was not a weekend for cooking or blogging! So, this evening I am posting my own personal recipe for sanity; adjust ingredients to your liking.

Dinner Recipe for Sanity:

Description - AHHHHHH!!!!!!

Ingredients -
1 jug gas station hormone pumped milk
1 bag Cheetos (for mom!)
1 box cereal

Directions -
Shove Cheetos in mouth to keep from screaming your brains out while listening to children whine about dying of hunger on hour long ride home. Promptly upon arrival home, feed children cereal for dinner and send them off to bed. Enjoy the silence and lack of dinner dishes.

Cookbook Craziness!

After a 3 bag trip to the library yesterday I settled into the comfy corner of our enormous man-couch (yep, Chris picked it!) to read my stack of cookbooks. I love reading cookbooks and finding easier ways to accomplish the same delicious dish, learn new ingredients and their uses, or just zone out in the words mix, fold, julienne...

Today's recipe is one that I plan to make in my own Arden Circle test kitchen. I am always looking for a way to make inexpensive pizza from home while maintaining my sanity (kneading! resting! punching! kneading again! resting! ugh!). I'll let you know how it goes and if you get to the recipe before me please let me know how it goes.

Recipe of the Day: Quick Pizza Crust (The $7 A Meal Cookbook, Linda Larsen)

Ingredients:
1 T cornmeal
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1/3 cup solid shortening (I know! But anything for an easy pizza crust! Put extra veggies on to silence your conscience!)
1/3 cup water
1/3 cup milk

Directions:
1. Preheat oven to 425 degrees. Grease a 12 inch pizza pan with solid shortening and sprinkle with cornmeal. In large bowl combine flour, baking powder, and salt and mix well. Cut in shortening until particles are fine. Add water and milk and stir until a dough forms. Press into a prepared pizza pan and bake for 10 minutes.
2. Remove crust from oven and top as desired. Bake at 425 degrees for 15-25 minutes or until crust is crisp and cheese is melted and beginning to brown. Let cool for 5 minutes and slice to serve.