While I was sitting on the sand gazing out to the ocean reaching far beyond I was struck with a familiar thought that the ocean awakens a sense of awe in me. Each time I am by the ocean I catch myself entranced with thoughts of what is possible and what is not; what I dream of and what I don't; what could have been and what wasn't. This last time at the ocean the same thoughts came in on me like the tide of the ocean; more depth of thought with each wave. But something was different this time. I was staring off into the vast expanse while holding Reese in my lap. For a moment I lost the depth of my thought; I lost the rhythm of my daydream but not soon after I was pulled into thoughts of gratitude, freedom, hope, dreams, and the like.
Now to some readers the previous paragraph may seem out there but for me it is greatly reassuring. Honestly, I struggle with being myself (having those moments as listed above) while juggling that which is motherhood. When I lost my normal "ocean thoughts" that day at the beach, I had a moment of fear and sadness. I began to contemplate that this was yet another area of my life shaken by motherhood. But once I eased into acceptance of the experience possibly being different, even forever different, I was able to retain the joy of a good ocean daydream but with a partner to enjoy God's gift of the ocean with, a daughter to teach through example and to be forever grateful for no matter how much sacrifice comes with motherhood.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
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