Raw Honesty in Poetry

Today I'm purging and packing (again?!?) before we leave the country August 11th.  I came across a poem I wrote on one of my prayer journals.  This poem was written over time (from 2009 to present) and growth, maturity and perspective.  It is about learning to walk into the water of trusting God while experiencing the brokenness, lack of trust and pain that remains even when trusting the Lord.  I'm typing it here to keep it for future reflection...

DEEP

Deep is the sea

Dip a toe in

Be enticed, free

The foot, the ankle

Deeper still

Begin to fall, shackle

Be enticed, loses its thrill

Deep is the sea

Emotions, Hormones, Unknown

Swirl with sadness, loss

Grasping faith, believing more

Since when has life been such a chore?

Always is the answer

Life is just this

Faith, Believing, Grasping for More

Yes life will always be a chore

Words fill the page; the mind

Answers come from behind

None easy; most blind

Only He is kind

Cry out does the spirit

A roar in my chest

Deeper, dig deeper yet

Align human flesh

Surrender the mess

He who made the days

Restore me today, tomorrow, always

Righteous Servant

I've taken on this habit of studying a Name of God after I'm finished with my normal bible study time.  You see, it dawned on me like any relationship we must continue to know each other, dig deeper and really find out what makes a person tick. It's the same with God.  He has tons of names, tons of attributes and although I consider myself versed in scripture I have realized through studying His names that I need to know more about who my God is -- there will always be more to know.

Today I studied about Jesus being the "Righteous Servant".  This is best highlighted in Isaiah 53:11....but read the whole chapter it paints the picture well.  Righteous Servant is described as -- pouring out his life to death, crushed, suffering, given a grave with the wicked, cut off, oppressed, afflicted.  The list goes on and on.  Sounds fun right?  Nope.  But in verse 11 it says, "After he has suffered he will see the light of life and be satisfied." AWESOME!  I want to see the light of life and be satisfied.  Lord, let it be.  

So today, as I walk through a crazy day of many things to do and many things out of my control I pray the Lord will strongly impress upon my heart that I too am to be a righteous servant.  I'm righteous because of Jesus' work on the cross and a servant because I'm called to become more and more like Him every day as the power of the Holy Spirit does His work in me.  Not by my might, but by His Spirit.  That's what I'm talking about!  Let it be Lord.  Let it be.

Unity--Joined As A Whole

This Friday I leave for Ecuador and continue to build relationships with Nationals, Foreigners and Indigenous -- all with a the unified desire to bring a transformational gospel into the depths of the Amazon jungle.  Wait -- this is my life?!  Yup.  God's crazy.

On Saturday I will speak with a group of women in Ecuador.  Some foreign and nationals but most indigenous Christian women. As I've planned and processed my mind can't stick to the idea and in the past weeks of preparation the meditation of my heart has been that God's hovering over me; inspiring my words by the power of the Holy Spirit.  I can trust him.  I know this.  Lord, do a work in me.  Oh Lord, do a work though me.

I've been thinking a lot about the command to be unified in Christ; one body.  (Ephesians 4)  Unity isn't a contestable concept.  Most Christians will say, "Of course we need unity in the body." But how often do we see it played out?  This made me think -- exactly how contrary is the concept of unity in our culture?

Last night I was watching a travel and food show (love those!) and a South African man was quoted saying, "Sometimes one must fill the mouth to open the ears."  I paused the show and chewed on that quote.  This man was using food -- food from all different cultures fused together to create common ground, resolve conflict and bring together a torn apart country.  "Sometimes one must fill the mouth to open the ears."  This seems natural to me.  I love this concept all born out of this man's passion for food and unity in his country.  So basic but so profound.

This morning as I spend time listening to the Lord I've sensed him saying that unity isn't a meeting or a discipline chosen but an outpouring of the heart.  If I'm honest, my apprehension is that in South America, despite my desire to love and serve as Jesus led, I'll muff it up and get all Western minded; plan and project oriented; not about relationship.

Lord Jesus, Father God, Holy Spirit, search my heart and know me.  Test me and know my anxious thoughts. (Psalm 139:23)  Help me to operate from my passion for you and desire for unity within our family of believers.  Amen.

Love Is Not Irritable?!?!

Love is not irritable?!?  I'm irritated I didn't know that!! During my time of repentance this morning I was drawn to read about what God says love is/does.  I knew that reading this verse would convict me of the areas in which I am not walking in love - therefore needing to confess to the Mighty Forgiver.  Good times, right?  Holiness is my desire. Intimacy with Him.  Confessing my need for him and deeper awareness of my need for Him brings that intimacy and dependency.  This is the desire of my heart and His too!

Anyways, I read the classic love chapter, I Corinthians 13.  Something hit me -- in the ESV it clearly states, "Love is not irritable." (I Corinthians 13:5)  Oysh.  Irritable!?!  My sheets turn crooked on my bed in the middle of the night and I'm irritable!  Oh Lord help me.  So, I confessed my irritability and asked the Holy Spirit to convict me of my irritable moments and empower me to respond to His helping hand to say "no" to irritability and embrace true love.  "Love that bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." (I Corinthians 13:7)  He can.  I can't.  In Him, through Him, surrendered to Him I can walk in daily obedience; because of His great love for me.

Truth rocks.  Love Him!!

Lifter of My Head

The journey towards missions is no joke.  It's a journey of big joys and big challenges.  Meditation upon his character and promises has become a discipline.  This is a sweet (and sometimes grueling) growth time and a time of knowing my Savior more each day.  It's like marriage - year after year the relationship deepens based on shared experiences and new understanding of what makes your spouse your spouse.  My most sweet and cherished relationship is with my God, my friend, my Savior and Helper.

Today as I spent time with Him I was drawn to study the characteristics of God that are Light, Hope, Lifter of My Head etc.  As I studied I realized how hungry I was to be reminded of these characteristics.  My Helper gently lead me into study the things that my soul needed to remember, to chew on throughout my day.  Don't you love Him?!? I do.

This morning I prayed this verse over myself, Chris and my girls.  When praying I was drawn to tears as I grew aware of my soul's cry for this to be true for us and applied into our daily practice.

Psalm 3:2-4 - Many are saying of my soul, there is no salvation for him in God.  But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory and the lifter of my head.  I cried aloud to the Lord, and he answered me from his holy hill.

I also soaked up these awesome truths - 

He is All Powerful, Light - Amos 5:8 (He turns darkness to morning!)

He is my shield, the lifter of my head - Psalm 3:2-4 (He is my shield, my glory, the lifter of my head!)

He is my Mighty Rescuer - Psalm 107: 14-16 (He bursts our bondage, Cuts through strong bars!)

Thank you Almighty God for encouraging my heart; leading me even as I sit with you to chat.  You are worthy, able and enough.  Selah.